I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
