I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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