Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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