I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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