Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
