He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
