i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Success! We fucked roommates!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
