All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
