The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
