forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
