I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
