just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
My vagina just recognized that song.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize