i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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