He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
