I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
