you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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