I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Randomize