Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
