If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize