as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
