The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize