need another drink. this is the easiest way
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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