YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Randomize
