I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
