i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize