Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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