I checked into jail on foursquare
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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