I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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