If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
