where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
