What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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