Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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