last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
