Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
