Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
