Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
