I have demons in me.
just tell him i said nine months
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
