You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize