I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
