i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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