The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
