dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
