i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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