he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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