the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
