If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
