wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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