That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
