He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
porn star boner night. come get it.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Randomize
