did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
