Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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