I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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