A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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