WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
